Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
