he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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