Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
