Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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