Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
