She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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