I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
