Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
