i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
