anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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