I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I skipped work to stalk him.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
