I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
