there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
