Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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