i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
