I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
