three words: i give head
three words: not that well
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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