My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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