Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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