Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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