So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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