Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
