you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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