I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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