Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
