oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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