you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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