seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
