Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
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I need you to use more vowels.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize