Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
