You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
