Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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