I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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