She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
