I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Boobs are out for the taking
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
