sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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