cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
