Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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