I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
