Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sorry about my life...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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