I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
