i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
