Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
