just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
