Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
