so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
