Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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