I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
