she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
