Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We smell like vodka and hangover
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