Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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