dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
