Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
fuck your aforementioned shoe
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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