So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
im on a boat
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