She is in my trunk
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
